TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
