So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
