I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
