im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
