Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
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want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
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