Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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