It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize
