i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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