I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
