Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
