Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
