I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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