So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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