OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
