you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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