1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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