My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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