With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
