we're chasing vodka with high fives
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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