my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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