Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
