So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
