I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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