Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
