you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
