Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
