i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
