is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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