I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
