I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
