maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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