this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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