i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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