You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
barbara walters just said penis...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
