Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think my vagina is haunted
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
