Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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