Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
