My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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