why didn't you poke me back
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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