OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
