Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There's always time for handjobs
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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