My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
