On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
