Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
