Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
