note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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