Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
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just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
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THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
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Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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