Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you made out with another girl for some wings
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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