When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he's gonorrhea incarnate
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
