You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
