How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
