Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
