You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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