My sheets look like a crime scene.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
where are you?
Hypothermia
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
