Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
