You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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