There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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