Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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