My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
