Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
