I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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